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30 Day Challenge - Day 19

19. A list of all the places you've lived at.

- I don't remember the house I was first brought home to. Of course, a newborn wouldn't. I don't remember the lemon tree I used to pluck fruit from. A toddler wouldn't. I don't remember if or how many tears my grandmother shed when my mother and I followed my father to Dubai in '92.

- The first home I remember has a mud-brown carpet and a green-tiled bathroom. I used to drop plastic laundry pegs through the gaps in the balcony, when my mother wasn't watching, just to see how they bounced off the pavement below, while my baby brother swung off the refrigerator door and smashed raw eggs in his chubby fists.

- We move to a smaller place. The neighbors are picky and hate the noise.

- Another apartment, only with a longer corridor, the carpet of which gets lined with skid marks from where my brother and I shove each other on the electric scooter he gets for his birthday. My mother hates this place because the neighbor has different men lining up at her doorstep at odd times in the night and things like these tend to give her bad vibes.

- Another apartment, within walking distance to school. I don't remember hating it then, but I can't not look at it with disdain every time I pass by that place now.

- Another apartment. I am sick of moving house every time the rent gets hiked and can't wait to graduate from college and grow the hell up.

- Another apartment, for which I contribute to the rent. Even though I get my own room, I sometimes wanna get up and walk further away, until I can hear myself think and it doesn't feel as bad as when I'm stuck between four walls.

- The apartment I write from now, smaller and cozier. I keep my door closed most of the time and get used to the sound of my monsters, learn to tame them, make then bend to my will, if I can't destroy them completely. I think I'm learning home is not a place, or even a person. It is your rib-cage and bare feet and scrubbed face at 10 PM, in bed, realizing that this day wasn't bad at all and maybe you can get through the next few too. 

30 Day Challenge - Day 18

18. Name the tv show you have become addicted to.

You know what I usually need after a day spent sending rejection after rejection email to scroungers who have nothing better to do than send us compensation claims because their in-flight Greek salad had only four pieces of cucumber in it, instead of five?
TW for food worth complaining about.Collapse )
This man has the same birthday as me. 

30 Day Challenge - Day 17

17. What do you want to be when you get older?

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to grow up because I craved independance. I wanted to grow more into the self that I'd constructed in my mind, away from the confines of school and home. That's more of what I want to do in the next couple of years; just explore myself, challenge myself, and keep growing.

It's scarily true when Scorpio is dubbed the sign of Reinvention. I don't expect to be the same person in a year from now and that's not a bad thing at all. I used to think of myself as a caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly, except that now, I don't think I'm at that final stage of completion yet. So, maybe a better analogy would be a phoenix; after all, I've found that I'm a person who truly emerges when their back's against the wall. From the ashes, arise again.

... Wow, that's cliched. But, yeah, that's me and my need for transformation might ironically be the most consistent thing about me.

30 Day Challenge - Day 16

16. If the world were to end tomorrow, what would you do with your remaining time on earth?

I would gather my family around and finally have a Talk.

I'd want them to know that despite everything, I love them and am forever grateful for everything they've done for me and taught me. And even if our life together hasn't always been perfect, it doesn't detract from the times they've brought me joy.

And then I'd want to watch the sunset for the last time. Just experience the way the shadows grow longer and the sky turns from blue to red to orange to pink to twilight violet, until it finally grows dark. I doubt the stars will be out even then; AD will be as light-polluted as ever, last day on earth or not.

I'd just want to take each moment as it comes, second by second. I'd mentally prepare myself and let go of any regrets I had. I'd want to cleanse myself of doubt and insecurity. I think I'd want to go out with a blank slate, if only in mind-set. There's something poetically just about that: to leave this world, just like how you'd first entered it.

In the last few hours, I'd want to hold my mother's hand.

I don't know if I could bring myself to say goodbye.

30 Day Challenge - Day 15

15. A photo of someone you fancy at the moment.

Hmm, I'm definitely not posting a picture of my SO online, so have this instead:

30 Day Challenge - Day 13

13. Three confessions of your choice.

i. I don't fear water. I am in awe of its rawness in the sea and the nature of its destruction when it occurs, but I've never found it in me to actively fear it. Drowning wouldn't be a death that intimidated me (but what do I know of drowning, except in my own mind's vortex), I sometimes think. Mostly though, I conjure this image of me lying at the bottom of the sea-bed, limbs heavy, staring up at the sunlight filtered through the water. I sometimes fall asleep to the thought; sometimes, I even dream of it.

ii. There are days when I can't bring myself to even tolerate the body I'm in, let alone loving each flab-roll and blackhead. I'm getting better at talking myself out of it, reminding myself that it's the substance and not the vessel that counts. But there are days - bombarded by snippets of women griping about their own bodies, chopstick legs on girls that seem to exist only in MVs, the disgustingly prevalent notion of waspish waists and bulbous breasts - when I can't stand being stuck in myself.

iii. When I was a kid, I didn't always understand the way I felt. As an adult, I believe I've found a few answers. There are some questions I've deliberately left out too. Maybe, in time, I will come to the same realization: that, once again, it's me who holds the key. 

30 Day Challenge - Day 12

12. Screenshot your desktop



Basic as it gets. 

30 Day Challenge - Day 11

11. What is your favorite quote?

Currently, this one:

A word after a word after a word is power.
- Margaret Atwood

I'm writing again. I have good days and then I have off days. I hit 'backspace' more than any other key.

And the words still trickle in, when they're not gushing.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed of myself (I should be publishing at this point in my life, I should be spinning out my self-crafted masterpiece in pages by the sheaves, I should be critically acclaimed and universally pondered, I should be so much more than what I am).

But mostly, I just go on.

On days like today, even if it's just a twinge, it's good to feel it. 

30 Day Challenge - Day 10

10. If you could live off of one food and one beverage for the rest of your days, what would they be?

If by 'live off of' as in 'with no consequences', I'mma pick all the fast food. Fried chicken, spicy fries, shawarma, anything that would otherwise ensure my early death via clogged arteries.

For beverages, I pick green tea. A, because I'm not a total pig. B, because I love this stuff and drink it every day anyway.

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